The many faces of disposability
I've been posting on social media a lot lately about disposability culture and it's generated a lot of great conversations with folks that has really got me thinking about the ways, and reasons, people dispose of other people.
There is one aspect of disposability culture that I think most people think of initially, which is when someone messes up and people dispose of them instead of working through the conflict and rebuilding the relationship through the cycle of fracture and repair (which is a normal and inevitable part of any relationship). Taken to the extreme, this type of disposability can leak into cancel culture, where the person who has been harmed works to ensure that the person who did harm (or was perceived to do harm because conflict can come from a real OR perceived experience) is ostracized from community and connection on multiple fronts.
But there are so many other ways, and reasons, that people are disposed of in our culture.
When a person is consistently pointing out conflict, or power imbalance, to others, this makes people uncomfortable because they are bringing something to the surface that people would rather ignore.
This could come up in situations like the Black who person always pointing out the lack of diversity in spaces or the disabled person who is always calling for more accessibility. It can also show up in interpersonal dynamics — the person who is naming ways that they have been harmed in relationship or power dynamics that exist in interpersonal relationships that need to be addressed within community.
And often, this leads others to ostracize/dispose of this person. The person may be seen as unreasonably difficult, “in love with drama”, anti-social, “aggressive” or otherwise undesirable.
Hearing someone name conflict (and power dynamics are inherently full of conflict!) is uncomfortable for most people. People sometimes feel guilt, shame or defensiveness because they did not identify the power imbalance or conflict, because they are part of the conflict or power imbalance (see white defensiveness), or they feel incapable or unwilling to do anything about it (often because of conflict avoidance).
When someone names conflict, or power imbalance, and the person is ostracized, that is a form of disposability.
Another type of disposability comes in partner or friend break ups, where the relationship is seen as the problem of the individuals involved, even if the break up affects a wider social group. Often, one person in the break up (often the person who names power imbalances/harms, or is less “popular” or more “high maintenance”) will lose connection to the common group, or the group will split into “factions” siding with one person or the other. This is often seen in masc/femme or man/woman dynamics where the masc/man is seen as “easier” or more popular and the femme/woman is ostracized because she is seen as “more work”.
This type of disposability really breaks up social groups and can have long lasting impacts. But people can show up, in a group, to hold the people through conflict, while acknowledging the impact on the group and working together to navigate how to stay together as a group.
(Note — not all conflict can, or should be, solved. And it is important to differentiate between conflict and abuse. Conflict is not abuse and abuse isn’t conflict! (This is probably another post). Part of conflict is understanding each other and ensuring informed choice. Sometimes, transformation is all we can hope for — coming to a place of acceptance of where both people are at. Choosing to not be in relationship does not mean that you can’t also choose to share space within community.)
Whether it is happening in a group, or the original conflict is between two people but left untended by the group, leaving a conflict untended affects community. Instead of the community showing up with community care, to support transformation and/or resolution of the conflict/power imbalance, the community chooses to dispose of the person perceived as “the problem”.
However, the people who do the good work of shedding light on conflict and power imbalance are serving the community/friend group/family. It is saying “here’s a hidden tension in our group that we could work to resolve together, to create stronger and more trusting relationships”. And that is an important role in any group (and hopefully, would not fall on just one person, but I acknowledge that most are not yet there).
There's also a trend towards disposability of new parents by their non-parent friends/community members, of disabled people who are permanently disabled, or become temporarily or permanently disabled, and of people going through mental health crises.
This type of disposability rings of living in a society built on carelessness. We live in a dearth of care. Everyone needs more of it, but because we have been conditioned at every level of relationship, government, and interaction, towards a norm of carelessness, people stop showing up for each other. This lack of care stems from an individualist culture that says that having needs, or other people having needs, is a shameful and undesirable thing. (For a more in-depth look at the level of carelessness in our society read The Care Manifesto by the Care Collective)
It makes sense that folks don't care enough to show up for the hard times. We have been taught that caring is weak, that caring is work and "not our problem", that caring is uncool. And why we're taught this is because when we create cultures of care, we don't rely on consumption to fulfill our needs, and that disrupts capitalism's control and power. So we are fed lies that care is a bad thing to want to do.
Carelessness also breeds conflict. It means that people aren’t having their needs met, in potentially a multitude of ways. Without care, conflict is bound to show up.
Part of building a world beyond capitalism is reconnecting with the beauty and nourishment of care work. Things like showing up for conflict, holding community through conflict, interrupting disposability culture is really building our capacity and skill to care for one another.
When we care for one another, and we care for our community, we want to show up for these hard times (in the ways that we can). Building community is labour, but it is a labour of love. Showing up for conflict is labour, but it too, is a labour of love.
When we recognize all types of disposability that can happen in relationships, we are better able to take steps to prevent it and build strong relationships, communities and movements.
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In care and solidarity,
Amelia